Sacred Scribbles and Soundboard System

I see them

2012-01-07T04:31:00.001-08:00

I see them.
i see them so clearly,
hidden behind the gorgeous smiles,
tears that slide on the cheeks,
just like a personified drop of jupiter.

I hear them.
I hear them in their softest whisper,
crying into the pillow,
praying for change,
begging for revival of sorts.

I watch them.
I watch them with an intense eye,
observing every minute detail,
the way they look, talk and hear,
just shying away from the realities of life.

Chick Flicks & the gyan that follows it

2012-01-06T09:19:00.000-08:00

I have seen the film He's just not that into you close to five times in the last two nights. No It's not that I am obsessed with the film but wanted to particularly gain some gyan from the Justin Long and Ginnifer Goodwin scenes. About love and the rules/exceptions/ or whatever the feck they are. So what did I learn? It was more about women, and while watching the movie, I realized how true the below points are.

- A woman will throw herself out there in the field till she is ripped off of her faith, and gives up hope when it comes to love.
- A woman will never learn from her mistakes. She will do exactly the same goddamned mistakes like over texting, over thinking matters between her and her guy friend till she is struck my reality - crushing her castles in the sky.
- A woman will always tell another woman there are sparks and you get along with that man like a house on fire. When in reality, there were no sparks. There wasn't even some gas to light up that fire.
- A woman is someone always who works on hopes, she reads messages like they were mean every thing. She reads into non-existent details and claims it to be a sign.
- A women always believes in signs and hints - but in real, there's nothing. No sign board held up, no billboards that read out RIGHT GUY or MR PERFECT. But she will still not give up.

Love... something that happens.

2011-12-19T09:55:00.001-08:00

Love.

Something that happens to me in small quantities. despite what they say. Puppy love is what I call it.

Love.

Something that happens to me at the strum of a guitar and the humming of a song. Musicians Charm they call it.

Love.
Something that happens when least expected with the last person alive. Luck is what I call it.

Love.
Something that happens over night when you're really drunk. One Night Stand they call it.

Untitled

2011-11-22T06:50:00.001-08:00

Frozen in time
a blank slate of emotions
motionless memories
and the flashbacks of life

curious heavy breaths
crystallized tears
sunken face
and the broken smile

restricted movements
force against gravity
fear instilled
and the eagerness to let go

'_'

2011-09-02T01:28:00.000-07:00

No, you cannot go yet!

Life. Fear. Hypocrite

2011-08-24T22:40:00.000-07:00

Did they ever promise that Fear would vanish?

Or it would be overshadowed by a certain something called anything else?

did they ever say anything about how fear could lead to a mentally disturbed night?

Or even the worst time of your life...?

Did they ever warn you about how fear could take away someone you loved?

Or whether a simple problem could ruin your life?

did they ever signal you, that Fear is nothing but a funny hypocritical thing that makes you happy one minute if you overcome it and sad, if you just face it?

Did they, someone, anyone tell you to write off your fears and shed a tear to make you stronger?

Or did they just laugh at your face and make you walk through a pile of burning coal?

did they ever mention, it could be such a hypocritical bastard, like someone who roams the streets?

Or did they just sit there and watch you tear till your eyes went dry?

Did they ever mention, how tormenting the fear can be?

Or did they, just say nothing?

OkayThanks!

2011-08-24T04:38:00.000-07:00

You know when you have that little doubt about who you want to be and what kind of a job you want/whether it's the right one or not.. and when you talk to someone about it, you get thinking about the entire saga...? and somethings they say, makes you realize - HOLY SHIT THATS EXACTLY WHO I WANT TO BE??

Well I had that conversation, and to the friend who made me realize that where I am working now is exactly where I wanted to be 2 years back, as I cringed at the thought of it first but when i began thinking about it... i figured I am living the dream I wanted! I am in the exact place where I wanted to when I would look at it.
So if i said the name attracted me or anything opposite of what I was dreaming about - scratch that out.
And while you're at it, here's this little post thanking you for making me realize I am who I wanted to be.

A writer. A journalist.

ugh

2011-08-24T04:23:00.000-07:00

Just realized that the good times come to you when you make the effort not to screw up

Letters and Journals

2011-08-21T00:24:00.000-07:00

Hand written letters and journals.

Rain washed ink, trickling down the yellow tinted pages.

Typo Drama

2011-08-20T03:28:00.000-07:00

The Start --->

swgniifsdnvtdbgak!

-->The End.

If only

2011-08-19T04:08:00.000-07:00

If only...
we could turn back the hands of time,
erase the pain we foresaw,
make the necessary changes
and walk back blindly into reality.

If only...
life was as easy as a yawn,
and as exciting as being in love,
maybe then gloomy dies would fade
and we'd be happy souls?

If only...
love came to you upon a falling star,
the world would stop her rat race,
hate would vanish
and we'd move on with ease...

2011-08-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

I just got hit by reality.

I just realized I wasn't Living life.
I was just living.

To hell with the old.
Hello to the new.

----

2011-08-12T03:13:00.000-07:00

Unfathomably I roam the streets of my twisted mind,

Going over every minute detail that there ever was,

Cursing the torturous thoughts of confusion that come my way,

I lay standstill upon my bed.

Err

2011-08-12T01:05:00.000-07:00

Err.....

Uhm okay!

I can't think straight.

Focus.

Need to overwork my brains at office now.

Life - need a new atm.

Love - you always did suck.

Err...

Gush and love

2011-08-10T04:05:00.000-07:00

Bewildered them idiots, made them suckers in love.

Goodbye, Hello

2011-08-08T03:56:00.000-07:00

Goodbye.

A word that I hesitate using; for the simple reason of not knowing when the end is near.

Goodbye.

I've been said that too many times. I let it upset me to gloomy days. not depression, but just gloomy...friendless days. But to all that and more, of which I'd rather not mention - to my past that has its haunting effects on my future from time to time...

Goodbye!

There comes a time, when time leads you to a positive life and lands you with new people to greet - that's when i forget the past and say to the present...

Hello.

The Adventures of Indian Breakfast Ruining

2011-02-25T19:19:00.001-08:00

There comes a day in everybody's' lives where you have face ultimate failure; and no one will help you get off your behind.

That day arrived for me. fortunately for me, it wasn't my career or my life. It was an attempt to make the most simplest south Indian breakfast item. Oh!The haunting four letters, sending a chill down my spine. brrr! [Alright, Alright, I'll stop with the dramatics]

I realized one thing, the simpler the recipe, the easier it is to actually mess it up. I've done that with simple, basic cakes and now with the most simplest south Indian breakfast item known as UPMA!

In all honesty I learn better through face-to-face teaching than over a telephonic conversation.

Oh yes, I did say that! My mother being a frequent traveler thanks to her work, she was away and our supposedly-trustee cook ditched us, okay this I can blame on the T bandhs. So I ring her and ask her to teach me how to make UPMA over the phone.

Here's her version...

"Take one glass of Upma Rava and roast it for a minute.

Put a lid of the wok and while that's happening,

cut two green chillies and keep some curry leaves ready to add in the tadka.

take the rava out and pour four table spoons of oil.

Dee once the oil is hot enough add the black mustard and the zeera (cumin seeds) to the oil.

Once you hear the pat-pat sound from the mustard add the mirchi and curry.Also one spoon of salt. Not a heap but has to be there till the brim.

Let it boil for a minute or so then, add one and a half glasses of water, using the same glass that you measured the rava in.

Once that's done add the rava in and stir while pouring it into the wok. let it boil nicely but keep stirring. Put a lid on it (no pun intended*) and wait for a minute or so till it cooks, then stir again and you're ready after five minutes."

Sweet thanks mum!

Now in my version, I won't repeat the steps because I did exactly that only all the five minutes became two and the one minutes became half.

My servant who was standing and supposedly assisting me with the breakfast, was being polite and said the upma was cooked fine. I thought it should boil for a bit more so left it under the lid for another minute(full this time). Once it was ready, I made her taste some again and so did I. It tasted okay, a little on the overcooked side I thought. It was time to take to the table and eat it.

[Heart racing, body burning, weird-awkward-polite smile smeared across my face. Then I look at dad]

My poor father had to be forceful victim of tasting not just an undercooked and unboiled upma but also bland.

Heart-broken but determined to learn. I took it in a stride and ran to the kitchen to correct my wrong.

Lesson learnt: It is safer to make what you know. And NOT experiment when you have give it to others!!

I got the blues

2011-01-24T08:33:00.000-08:00

Okay so over the past few months, probably close to a year...I have found that the purest form of music, are known to be Jazz and Blues.

I've also seen movies like Dream Girls and like this evening Cadillac Records. Both in which Beyonce Knowles plays the lead. What I like about Dream Girls, is the fact that Jennifer Hudson who plays second lead has the most soulful voice I have heard. Maybe there's someone better but when she sang those songs, especially when she sings to Jamie Foxx before he leaves her...what passion!

Sometimes I can't help but ask WHY DID I HAVE A VOICE LIKE THAT?? I know I can sing if and when I have to but otherwise WHY DIDNT/DON'T have one like that. Why wasn't I focused on learning music....wait not even inclined. Anyway enough of the cribbing, I'm happy got the writing skills though.

When it comes to Cadillac Records, I've been stuck on the way Beyonce can sing. I never really thought she was awesome, she had some good numbers but OMG!She DOES HAVE AN AMAZINGLY AWESOME Voice!! she maynot be the bestest of actresses but when it comes to singing....man she's got it. The X-factor...the magic, the soul, the power, the right kind everything! Sends chills down my spine...

When Streetcar went wayyyyy OFF Broadway...

2010-08-03T10:14:00.000-07:00

So i'm almost a few months late and after much pondering over...I decided that I will write an honest review about the much awaited A StreetCar Named Desire done by Kartaal Productions.

After a good amount of research for an editorial piece for the mag i work at, I knew what the result of a BROADWAY in Hyderabad was likely to be. I don't say that because i have anything against the group or the city..heck i love the city but i'm saying this because of the following reasons...

One -When you have someone as awesome and talent as MARLON BRANDO play STANLEY KOWALSKI...YOU will NOT/NEVER find someone as good as him.

Alright, you can be forgiven if you dont find someone that replicates his acting skills or the way he screams STELLAH... which btw,when Marlon Brando did gave me chills and if hell if i were Stellah his wife... i'd frigging be scared!

Two - Who are we KIDDING? SERIOUSLY??!! I mean come on man...it's HYDERABAD for heavens' sake...finding someone who suits the role let alone looks charming as Brando did, is not just next to impossible. Heck ITS a quarter in a million chance!

Well..i'll leave it at these two reasons for now...

Anyway... moving to the real stuff...

Starting from the set - When I was told Kartaal was CREATING ELYSIAN FIELDS 100 by 100 into 32 ft! I THOUGHT F@@#!! that's gotta be the original set..cause after all they did get the playwright to Tennesse's original script...so it wasnt too bad, they managed to do a pretty decent job with it!!

Like a rose....

2010-07-31T21:22:00.000-07:00

Because he meant everything to her

she let it go...

her feelings left in the hallow space of her heart

because he meant the world to her

she forced her feelings to fade

like the bright yellow of the setting sky

because he meant more than he knew

she wilted, waiting for him

like a rose waiting for the thorn to fall in love

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

2010-07-27T04:03:00.000-07:00

Blogger Buzz: Blogger integrates with Amazon Associates

Some serious venting...

2010-05-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

I kinda tried writing a song. A song that meant nothing more than a mere venting session. As you read the words, you realize that what the lyrics or the title for that matter have got nothing sensible. But for those who take the trouble to read between the lines or take the trouble thinking what it could possible mean, i hope...i so do hope you get it.
So I named the song Written blues. I randomly thought of the name only to find myself writing lyrics and the next minute trying to strum a tune on the guitar! Hah! I'd never done that before. Never had the guts. Really.
Aah! The Guitar! Playing the guitar when you are mad certainly does calm you down. Like I made the promise to myself. I went back to basics (well not literally) picked up my guitar and started looking for tabs that made sense and that were moderately easy and some difficult.
It is reallyy, it is. oh wait i just said that like twice.
But anyway. You what I find most annoying. The fact that you're trying to help someone but somewhere along the line you get mad because they don't see things from your perspective and are always expecting you to look at things from their eyes or by putting yourself in their shoes.
And that's when you realize you don't bloody know how to react or behave! so you shut yourself out! just like me!
URGHHHHHHH!!

To be, that would have been, should i be?

2010-03-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

Teacher.

Writer.

Teacher again.

Chef.

Baker.

Novelist.

Dramatist.

Journalist.

Photographer.

Novelist again.

Journalist again.

Baker again.

Patissiere.

there's this huge bag of discombobulated strings in my head that prevent me from understanding the best i can be. So here's raiing a mug 0 beer just to have this confusion sorted and to see what the future holds for me!

ER 6

2010-02-23T03:01:00.000-08:00

God knew I wasn't cut out math nor science,

He also knew I wasn't cut out for medicine either.
Sometimes though I wonder what sort of a doctor I would be : would I be a doc who passes out the minute she smells the stench of the iodined spirit or would I be a doc who'd squeal at the sight of those evil evil stainless steel pricks of a needle of the satanic injection!!!???

Well, thankfully i wouldn't have to actually go through the process of being a nurse then a doctor or however the stories goes.

For me, being a patient or even the family/friend of a patient is being as close to being a doctor can be. Knowing the basics of medicine, what happens when a person gets an attack, or when someone faints what you're supposed to know are the only medical education i got and i know... And i'm glad I know that much because there's no way in hell I would have gotten a medical certificate nor would I have got through biology if I had taken science in school or even after. Phew! that's a relief getting out the clogged up nonsensical musings going on in my head in the ER room. Well, that's of course apart from thinking about the hundred and He knows what number of beeps going on and on in the distant background of the emergency room like some music in the hotel lobby.

But you know what, I find it ironically ill humoured that as a kid, the hotel I used to like is now a torturing (ok ok I'm exaggerating a lot about it being torturing) hospital! However , seriously though, as I walk out the ER going up level by level to get to the billing counter, I can see the ruins (not literally) of the hotel haunting me and teasing me...

Teasing me about how I used to enjoy walking down these now estranged corridors and how I detest the very fact that I have been walking in and out the hospital for nearly two weeks and every time I walk into the ER, my heart pounds faster than a moving train and my knees go weak and leaving my head in a tizzy. Each time I walk past the door leading into the ER rooms, I walk in with an agenda of getting out ASAP! I keep my senses tightened up, taking a deep breath then keep my mind focused ever so seriously, with utmost concentration on the floor that prevents me from looking at any patient that lay on those ER beds....walk through the critical patients and again the stench of the iodized spirit that forcefully lures me into a dizzy(this time literally!)

It's sick isn't it.... but just for you and me i'm sure. What satisfaction the hospital gets only he knows...! oh well I guess that's gonna take another few observations.

Ookie Cookie

2010-01-08T06:00:00.000-08:00

Back in the 10th or 11th grade I remember as part of our Home Science pracs I decided to bake cookies.
Sugar Cookies. recipe given courtesy Pappy and Sambo. who i called late at night and oh btw, they live in Bangalore.
But however, of course my lack of experience with the oven and not ever baking cookies before this had turned my lovely batter of cookies into smoking black rocks of dust. Seriously, a lot of people were the witness to this poor poor murder.
Guilty as charged I tried baking some at home, thankfully did not committ another crime. They turned out ok.

Today after probably really long, I laughed at the fact I was scared of burning the cookies again.
With a simply recipe. OKAY!! I admit, when it comes to me baking nothing is simple. It's always complicated. So here's what Happened.
I mixed contents of two different cookie recipes.
When I mixed the ingredients first, I thought I was baking a cake.
Because impatience got in my way and I just did what I felt like.

So i was thinking I'd put both the original recipes here then i decided not to.
Here's my version however :
2 1/2 cup maida
1 1/3 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 tsp salt
1 baking soda
1/2 baking powder
50 ml cocoa powder (psst - that's 1/4 cup)
2 eggs
1 1/2 strawberry essence (supposed to be vanilla but Q Mart didn't have it)
1/2 and a few drops of unsalted butter
a lil more than 1/2 peanut butter
(anything else you are in the mood for)

Coming to the method.

Get two bowls out.
Bowl A consisted misread recipes -
Took the salt and poured it in a small steel bowl. The ones they use to store Idli or Dosa pindi. Took the maida and just poured it until I realized I read the wrong amount from recipe 2. So took the measuring cup and took out some, then I realized again, maybe it needs more. added it back. Moved on to get from the bright orange cupboard (that stood probably laughing its orange laminates off about how badly im doing) cocoa powder from recipe 1.

Bowl B (this ofcourse after reading recipe 1 - method.)
Took 1 1/2 cup castor sugar and less than 1/2 cup of brown sugar and mixed it. Added 1/2 cup butter slighty melted. Mixed it unfine crumbs are formed. Then realize even after a good half hour of standing in front of the egg basket, there are no eggs and more importantly no vanilla essence.
Ask dad "Are you sendin Narayana anywhere?"
reply comes, "what do you want him for?"
Uhm think quick, ah the blame tactic "Mum was supposed to bring V.E but I cant find it anywhere,I need it I already made the batter."
"ask mum no?" No answer from busy mummy.
After few minutes, wait. dad "Ok write it on a piece of paper. Actually leave it (just as your writing look up and wait for it) "Do you get it in Q Mart?" me "yeah" (smile the grinch who stole christmas smile and very very smoothly say "oh okay cool"
Run back to kitchen clear unwanted things and wait before he leaves "oh i need eggs I was standing there and didn't realize theer are no eggs." dad looks and sighs. Go back in and come back out ''O also can you get brown sugar please, i had less than half (because almost a year ago I used it for my body scrub...{makes funny noises and thinks sigh what a drama queen}" dad "Ok bye then"
you wait and wait for 10-15 mins and dad calls first "no V.E anything else, {urm think woman what else...ice cream, maybe some muffins from Deli talk} "yea strawberry or almond?" dad "ohkay" line goes cut. Back to waiting. and waiting. and you hear the waited screams. dad "Dee!"
Walk fast down the stairs. Brisk walk to kitchen.""challa thanks" (eh is the expression- uhm dad's that is)
add another 1/4 brown sugar, eat some to taste. take Bowl C break eggs without dropping shells and add 1/2 tsp S.E (Strawberry Essence) mix well. crumbs get more crumby. Thinking aloud {Woaah, is this suppsoed to get sooo crumby that its breaking? hope noone's looking. (apart from teh wretch orange cupboard laughing again)}
Think its screwed add a few drops of melted butter, WAIT FOR IT TO COOL a bit! starting making balls and then mix them all back in the batter because you need more S.E
mixx well again. make balls again. take cup slam it slowly on the ball to flatten. funky tyre like designs come on. and put on a greased pan for 10-15-20 mins till u think its hard enough. Not like burnt hard but just a lil crunchy hard.
Tray one in. Wait. keep opening till you think its done, mean while. Take Tray 2, fancy one. place batter open door close door. wait.
take tray 1 out. wait a few minutes before it cools, obviously you want to try it before it cools. impatience burns your hands and tongue while tasting. HEAVENLY!! BitterSweet Cookies

Back to basic

2010-01-02T07:38:00.000-08:00

I always felt something incomplete inside me. Not the kind of incompleteness that longs you to be with someone but its that kind of incompleteness you feel when you like doing something but for some reason you probably gave up trying or even gave up the idea of having finished what you started. I'm guessing that's a familiar feeling. I realized after years of having my guitar just stand motionless that I miss trying to learn to play the guitar. I know one song but I play that cause I simply love playing that song. It's a song I learnt from one of my favourite teachers', Lokhi Pai.
I remember randomly calling him one day i think 3-4 years ago and I asked him I want to learn this song. and till date I have that piece of paper where he wrote the chords for the song.
For that one song, and the many other songs which I just want to play on the guitar, I will as a promise to myself learn everything about the guitar from the basics.

Thoughts in the corner

2009-12-15T00:26:00.000-08:00

I have so many thoughts going on in so many corners of my head but everything is so tangled up that I cannot find the right words to type, or even what to time.
In one corner of my mind, I'm thinking of all those people who once meant alot to me or even just was getting to know them, the next corner I'm thinking I cant wait to get out of college and go explore, start working. And then again, another corner is screaming don't bite your nails, they're finally growing. So i bite the nails from one hand and I now looking at the other I regret biting it. there's of course the corner of the creativity which is telling me to write, finish up that art piece I wanted so badly for my room which defines me. then there's another corner in my mind that is fully occupied with thoughts about friends and family, and nothing is clear. it's all a mess. Its like I have an OCD of thinking so many thoughts.

Random musings 2

2009-11-28T09:24:00.000-08:00

For I do not know, who all read my blog or follow it,

I do not ask ye to scream 'Aye' like the pirates do a callin'.

But bidding thee farewell, for i must visit a few places that I have never before been to.

Be back in a week, look yonder and you shall find me back.

Coffesions of the observant 2

2009-11-26T06:18:00.001-08:00

As absurd as it seems, i cannot tell.
what i feel or what i am going through.
words remain unsaid and unwritten.

finding it difficult to explain,
I sit here waiting to be heard
waiting for answers
but i get nothing.

incompletely complete,
i decide to move on,
i decide i've had enough
and now I sit hear with the least hope.

this i notice,
quietly observing
everything in front of me
observing that's the best i do.

Confessions of the observant

2009-11-13T09:17:00.000-08:00

Unfortunate as it is, I realize that If you have a dream and decide to follow it...not everyone will back you up part from your family (which includes certain friends too). It's crazy how when half the people you know understand what you are reaching for and who you want to be, yes that includes sometimes people forgetting who their friends are and where they come from.
Being the observant one I realize that yes, that can happen to you too. It's happened to me, but I can never understand if they were meant to be your friends, true friends are supposed to stick on no matter what right...? Then why does it happen just the opposite.

On meeting Duke

2009-11-11T10:41:00.000-08:00

Yep, we have all been through our crush on hero/actor days... and so have I! But hey! What do you know, those are days which will never go. Those are the days, which will make your tummy inside out making you blush and laugh your hearts out when you realize you've had a crush on a film star or some firang. seriously though, speaking about firangs, I saaw rather meet him awesomely cute looking duke(that's what me n the cheateru call'm) blonde-honey tousled hair, grey blue eyes, the voice that makes the goosebumps rise and a smile that will make you skip a beat! OK just as I stop gushing about this person, I made up my mind that not all good looking men are stuck up but when I met him again, I realized sometimes first impressions are always true! So the finger to the duke! The duke only exists in fairy tales or in London.

SUVIVOR!

2009-11-09T18:40:00.000-08:00

Yes!! And I'm back ladies and gentlemen!! After the slight mishap from using another template, I have sworn off trying to experiment with my blog! i love it the way it is , in its original form! yay!

Random musings -1

2009-11-06T02:45:00.000-08:00

Untold stories of the past,
history creepily repeating itself.
A hesitated sigh of relief,
submerged with the drop of a tear.
Happiness fades like sunshine
beneath the cloudy sky.

The Calling

2009-10-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

At first it seemed rather confusing and mind boggling.
The very thought of it disabled me from figuring out what i wanted to be and who I wanted to be.I just knew a few things. a)I couldn't be a science nerd even if i wanted. b)I couldn't be a sportsperson it just wasn't me. c) I couldn't be an architect for my lines aren't so precise. d) I couldn't even be math-a-magician {the way i like to read it} 'cause i hadn't had math since eighth grade. e) i couldn't be an engineering, that's so not me! F) There are so many things i couldn't be but I just can't be them either.
But what I can be is a writer. Not for the heck of it, not for the money for sure. But for myself. I write because I want to tell people what I think. I write because it gives me pleasure and lessens my thoughts. (Not matter how stupid or silly the thought maybe.)

It's been a year now since I have been freelancing/ writing for newspapers and finally after a solid three month internship with the Times of India, I have found the sole purpose of my love for writing. i have heard my true calling... Writing it is all the way!
Clear about what I wanna write and wanna be, I'm grateful for the days of the confusion and chaotic thoughts i have fought with.

For once the writer has no words

2009-09-05T18:50:00.000-07:00

Eyes shut tight like I was in real pain, an outburst of tears trickled down my cheeks. I struggle to open my eyes to see if I was dreaming but alas!Tis'reality!
I woke this morning dreaming the strangest of dreams. The ones where you can actually feel your legs hurting like you were running after a train. Or even your shoulder blades hurting as if you swam for your life. I could see myself running away, driving a bike, speaking to my friends...the ones i just make polite conversation with. Standing in places I have never been to. It all doesn't seem to make sense but I think to myself while dreaming, "its a dream, its just a dream."

Tired and breathless as I wake, I gasp at the thought of what seemed so surreal and even more strangely real. A dream or a nightmare, I do not know. For when I got myself back to normal I just knew I didn’t like waking to find myself crying and literally.
Thinking about it, I remembered someone once told me, dreams are what you see when you have bottled up emotions and what you really think. But instead of everyone trying to interpret the dreams, can’t a dream just be a dream? And feelings left as feelings, whether bottled up or not!

"open your eyes" I kept saying aloud. Knowing where I was and unconsciously aware of who I am, I realize the dream was no more than a dream. Life changing in its own way and even though I want to write more about it and probably even write the whole dream, I cannot seem to find the perfect words.
To quote a new friend i befriended few weeks ago, "For once the writer has no words!"

One of those days, where i blabber!

2009-08-06T03:54:00.000-07:00

they say the easiest way to write is when you write about yourself and your life. The ups and downs, the awesome school days, the days when you got your first kiss or even not, the weird mood swings, the pmses, the secret looks you gave to the cute guy who passed your way, the feeling of being in love only to find heartbreak after finding out the guy's taken, the fights with your family, siblings included and the beautiful ways of nature taking over your life making it a living hell!! Yep, that was pretty easy!
What's easier is writing about all that because its in the past. But if you try writing something now that's happening in the present is seems rather childlike and it's like you'd rather wait till it got done with because its so much easier to admit whatever it is you were going through.

There are so many things that are easy to do. Take running way or escaping for instance, i think that is by far forget cowardly but it's the easiest thing to do. You do something, you mess up and you turn around and run. you keep running till you're a little comfortable with the idea of you screwing up?! i guess that why sometimes it is easier to chose to run than face a problem. There are so many situation i can think of where i have bailed out and ran for my life, let things be till i thought it was okay for me to come back but i realize its not really how things should work. Then of course it wouldnt be running away, would it?

Why does it happen that when you want to say something, we always hesitate because we're always thinking of the other persons reaction or what they expect us to say?? Really! That just makes us so guilty! atleast to me it does!

Of cliques and on campus groupism!

2009-08-03T09:42:00.000-07:00

I have had friends’ from practically every group that i have known, from the jocks to the metal heads, to the scientists, the math freaks, the nerds everyone! Looking back at time, I have in me, a little bit of every one of them. I could be the nerd for someone, i could be for someone else a popular kid, or even be nobody. In fact, i think everyone is a little of everything.
You just choose who to be.

Faces I've Known

2009-07-18T00:21:00.000-07:00

The faces I've known
back in the day
seem to slowly fade.

The faces I've known
back in school
seem to have disappeared.

The faces I've known
in my own past,
people i've loved are no more.

The faces I've known
some of the finest
never cease to exist.

The faces I've known
in my own memories
have dwindled

The faces I've known
from right in front of me
have fallen, wilted like petals from a rose.

I WILL SURVIVE!!! - The Drivers Song

2009-06-02T20:24:00.000-07:00

Obviously once you read the followin note, you will know which song it originally is, but me being the morning enthusiast and also the thrill from finally starting driving classes a week ago, i came up with this!
nothing exotic, just a lil tweaked version of I WIL SURVIVE!!
:)
ENJOY THE RIDE!

"First I was afriad, I was pertrified,
Kept thinking i'd dash into the car by my side,
then i spent so many nights thinking how i thought so wrong
I grew strong
I learnt how to turn the car on
and so you watch your back
from the mirror and give me space
I just drove behind and dumped into your rare
to see the shock on your face
I should have changed my stupid gear
you should have realized the driver was a she
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me.....

Go on now go walk back to the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me saying i was cockeye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to drive
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to give the car a raised start
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken car
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that nevrous little person
behind the wheel scared of you
and so you felt like bumping in
and just don't expect me to be angry
now I'm saving all my driving
for someone who'll be patient while teaching me!!!

Outside My Four Walls

2009-05-18T02:18:00.000-07:00

Outside my four walls,
is another world
a world of discomfort,
a world of hurt.

outside my four walls,
is another world
waiting for me,
calling out to me.

outside my four walls
is another world
a world of hatred,
a world that's tainted.

Outwide my four walls
is another world
a world thats scary
a world thats grey and weary

outside my four walls
is another world
a world thats supficial
a world thats very artificail.

outside my four walls
is another world
a world of sadness
a world of nothingness

outside my four walls
is another world
a world where i am not me
a world where i cannot be.

outside my four walls
is another world
a world i cannot live in
a world i cannot be in

outside my four walls
is another world
a world where i have no say
a world where i have to stay.

Have you ever thought of that ??

2009-05-16T02:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when everything goes right,
something at the back of your mind goes wrong.
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when you want to be with your friends,
something at the back of your head whats you to be alone
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when happy days are going on for weeks and months,
something at the back of your head is thinking of only the sad
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes while the best of times are right in front of your eyes,
something makes you see the worst and you tear
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes while doing what you want,
something always makes you do the exact opposite and you don't know why
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when you are hanging with your friends,
something makes you want to leave everything behind and runaway. God knows Why
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when you're alone, and you want to be with friends,
something doesn't make that moment happen
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when you're living life like a king or a queen,
something makes you want to live a poor mans life
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when the world is spinning around, its fun but,
something makes you dizzy and you try to stop but it doesnt
have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when you need me the most,
something makes me go away, i will come back but you dont believe.
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes when I want my peace with me,
something stops me and i'm a mess, maybe i need you
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes I don't talk and it is difficult to do that,
something inside me is being bottled up
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes you just want a hug without saying anything but,
something makes you say way too much, it may hurt
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes while people are fighting their own battles,
something fails and they break
Have you ever thought of that?

Sometimes it's okay to let your friends go and fall,
something makes you hold back all the time
Have you thought of that?

Sometimes unspoken words say much more but,
something makes you tonedeaf towards that
Have you ever thought of that?

The Mental BLOG

2009-01-25T10:20:00.000-08:00

okay so its been like forever since i last blogged and truly i have missed writing. doesnt mean i have stopped thinking or penning down my thoughts, ok ok i havent been penning down most of them.

there are so many things i have wanted to write about but i couldnt get my lazy self to actually type them out. sometimes i feel like somethings are better spoken about than written but it goes both as ways, somethings are better written as well so i decided to write things which actually make sense to me and are on the more practical side to it and just ponder over thoughts which make no sense and are probably a little impractical.

i was thinking, Whats the point in writing about the mundane life i have or the mundane feelings i go through because sometimes or the other are people who have gone through the exact same feelings and have probably been there. so this new year i decided that its not going to be about everyday. i accept i have always been the kinds of writes down every happy,sad,good bad moment i have lived in my journals but then there are those special moments which are worth remembering a lot more and some memories are better left unwritten about or spoken about because noone will actually know what you have felt or how important that memory/moment is for you.
so i realized it is okay for me not to keep updating my blog and still have what i like to call, and we all call the MENTAL-BLOG!

The Spark in my life

2008-09-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

Bringing Down the Weight!

I've never really given a damn about the way i looked... ok ok may be i did... but its not like i dint try to lose weight or anything.. i did. I've been to nutritionists and dietians. BUT only to put on half of what i was before deiting. and today. I without any embarassment say that i am obese. i am fat. damn that stupid book i read few years ago which said FAT is good.
It's not.. and it never was and never will be.
Usually i'm not the kind of a person who will get online look for motivation or inspiration but i had had enough of looking the way i do. not that i dont like it. BUt i've always been this way. I want to look Different and feel Different. be it inside out or outside in. I WANT TO BE DIFFERENT!!
Two days back i posted a question on Yahoo!Answers and one of the replies i got back was this lady giving me advice on the kind of food and exercises i should do. she said i should look up a site she had written below which would help and do wonders and motivate you in losing some weight. now i laughed it off but was a little intrigued about the site. i always check out these sites... ok so i got a little desperate and i went to check it out. i was actually so motivated that i joint immediately and started exploring the site. it's called sparkpeople.com and i like it.
really honestly!! i followed the exercise plan and because i dont really believe in diets i decided to do just the exercises. no harm trying the exercises cos there just the basic sit-ups, squats etc etc.
well here're the exercises i did...
1 - crunches
2- crunches with side twists
3- sit-ups against a chair
4- lying abduction
5- standing abduction
6- back extention
7- leg curls
8 - single leg squats against a chair

i did all the above in 2 sets of 12 for about 2 minutes each exercises
plus walking for 6 minutes!
giving me a solid 30minute workout..
and boy oh boy .... I FEEL GOOOD!!

now like i said to myself, i know how easily bored i get... but not this time.
It's full flegded motivation to lose weight that is exactly what i'm going to be doing.

Honestly... it's been a realllyl long time since i exercised
and felt an immediate effect of energy although i am a little pooped out but not too much to not write here.
today's day of exercises was a successfull 0inutes. i feel great.. active and HAPPY! from within me as well.i've gotten a print of of the workout schedule drew a little doodle near each exercise so that i know what im doing. and this is all possible because of Sparkpeople!
I finally found motivation and i will swear by it.. i know i am capable of loosing the weight and reaching my goals. no one can stop me from Bringing down the WEIGHT anymore.

there will be an update of my progress untill i reach my ultimate goal of 180 lbs by 10th March 2009. but for starters - my goal is to 10-30 lbs within the next 2 months and i KNOW I CAN DO IT!

India , The Developing Escapist

2008-07-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

With most of India developing in terms of technology and other aspects, there are some parts of India which are still being sceptical about certain issues. For instance, Superstitions! Superstitions have been there for donkey’s years and till date some parts of India still have as much faith in them as they did when they followed it for the first time. Some parts of the northern and southern areas, still believe in child marriages, or it could even be a small superstition like a black cat crossing the road which is till date believed by everyone! In a way we all are superstitious at some point or the other, may be not as much as probably are grandparents or ancestors were. Believing strongly in superstitions comes off as a way to escape the brutal truth and realities of life.

Speaking of realities of life, here’s another aspect where India hasn’t really opened up. India’s developing further and further, unfortunately with it, what is not growing is our mentality to accept the development. What I’m talking about is the basic idea of homosexuality. It’s been there for years and years, but not spoken about openly. Homosexuals around the world have mustered up the courage to come out in the open and accept who they are or what they are. Why can’t we?? Why should we ill-treat someone who prefers to be homosexual like they were a diseased person? Why can’t we accept who they are and what they are, respect them for being who they choose to be? Why can’t we treat them as if they were just another person and not be indifferent around them? Can’t we not treat them like we would treat our friends or maybe even a normal human being? It’s a personal opinion when someone doesn’t approve of homosexuality, but let’s face it, the world really doesn’t need or care for your opinion. While homosexuals today are coming out in the open about their true identity, a reason for them being a little subdued is because of how we treat them, like they were an alien from outer space or sort. Some of the world’s best fashion designers are homosexuals, we don’t treat them indifferently, why treat those who don’t have name or fame indifferently?

Times a changing, why can’t we? As humans we have the tendency to live in our own little paradise world, where fantasy is everything... everyone talks but not one person walks the talk! In the ever changing world of development, to escape the brutal truths of life, humans tend to build this make-belief world that most of us live in. Not that I don’t sometimes because it’s a place where I am me, selfless and peaceful. It is acceptable for people to keep jumping from reality to fantasy but living too much in the fantasy world is just escaping from reality. No matter how difficult life is, there is absolutely no point in running away from it, because the more you hide from reality and stay happy and content within your fantasy, the harder you are slapped back into reality!

(NOTE:- the above article, is not the finished version,)

A Game called L.I.F.E !!!

2008-05-04T05:13:00.000-07:00

To quote the most truthful dialogue said at the very end of a spectaluar movie i saw a few days ago, called THE PRESTIGE: "Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it because you're not really looking. You don't really want to know the secret... You want to be fooled. "

Putting aside the rest of the words, something seemed to have captured my attention about the last five words... "you want to be fooled". it's an amazing thing, how just some words can make you realize a lot more than what they actually mean!

I don't know how many of you have actually read ,seen or heard something which gives you an insight of life.? how many of you have thought about some words heard or said, which are essential for life.? i do not know where these thoughts are born from, of course within me that is for certain but it's an amazing thing how we end up thinking a lot after watching a brilliant movie or a dramatic performance or sometimes a music video or recital even.

After watching the movie i hadn't quite said anything but just sat in fron to of what we call the " Idiot Box" and kept wondering about the end. Drifting away a little from what i have said, i couldn't help but think about the last 5 words of the movie... i do not know how anyone could bring out the truth of the sentence in any other way.

I sit here, thinking and pondering over that same sentence, trying to connect it in everything i do and everything i do not as well. but it all came down to one major thought. the thought about life,
Imagine , LIFE : is a game they say, of cards and we hold the cards and we need to know how to play it.

I don't quite agree with that, but i personally feel that LIFE is a game of all sorts, whatever name it is called, should not matter but what should matter is how you play it.
it's funny, how tricky any kind of game can get, especially when you know how to cheat or make your own rules. In the game called Life: we are the players, we make the rules, stick with it or break the rules, the move is made by us.
Taking into serious consideration, the line YOU WANT TO BE FOOLED; is somewhat the key to know how LIFE works, don't you think??
for instance, in the Game of LIFE, as i see it ,

in our lives, WE, the People are the magicians.... we love to fool people with our tricks and make them happy by doin things they'd want to see and say things they want to hear.. and people are the audiences who want to be fooled over and over again. they just sit there in front of us, without saying a word, laughing at our jokes, clapping at our acts after the show is over. sometimes we loose the grip, we are boo-ed, but the rest we're the heros, we're cheered at, we're hooted and appreciated. they scream for more without hesitance, wanting to be fooled again.

Over and over agian, everyday is like a different act, a different trick, sometimes the same old ones, but sometimes, something brand new... LIFE is an unexpected game on its own. The rules, some made before, some made by us... some made by others but followed by us. LIFE, no matter how much you think about how it works, it keeps you behind the curtains, making you the audience, and YOU just sit there waiting and wanting to see what LIFE has in store for you, something old, something different, or something new even....but at the end, knowing the truth you ignore the truth, because..... YOU WANT TO BE FOOLED!

I Surrender

2008-04-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

after a wait for all my life,

waiting for the perfect friend,who now i have found

waiting for me to become the perfect me,

waiting till some day, i may shed the kilos

after a long wait , for healing the hurts i have on me

in my heart and in my soul,

the hurt from betrayal of love and friendship

i surrender.

of all hope that i had,

of all belief that made the person i was

i still waited....

and some where within me, i still wait.... but today... i surrender.

days have gone and i have never given up

not even on my principles, my beliefs nor my values

but when there is a lack of light and it tends not to shed on me,

that's when i realize its time, i surrender.

in love, i believed the most, even now i do

but a certain incidents, have changed my views

my wounds, they over shadow my beliefs

and from love, to hurt...i surrender.

passionate and enthusiastic

was i always for no reason

but today i seem to need a reason to be happy,

from happiness to glum, unwantedly i surrender.

memories that fill me, that make me

who i am, that remind me of where i come from

where i belong... all seem to some what fade..

but to memories that define me... i surrender.

as confusion fills in me,

about everything and nothing

time passes and i feel wasted..

but now to the confusion, that's always a part of me.. i surrender.

to my life, to which i owe myself,

for all the times, I've been alone

to the times I've been with the world,

to my life, to myself i surrender.

to everything that's a part of me now

from the past to the present

maybe the future as well,

to everything, i surrender to thee.

The Woes of a Distressed Mistress

2008-04-21T09:39:00.000-07:00

tear drops trickle down her face
her eyes red with colours of sorrow
her mind , filled with confusion
not knowing what to believe
her heart, beating slow yet feeling numb
only lifeless now

staring at herself,
cursing the person she sees
not liking who she is
hating what she looks like
trying to stop her smile from fading
vanishing....and her... becoming cold

black and grey seem to rule her life
colourless that's what it seemed
pained by her own delusions
wanting to be left aloof
but at the same time wanting to be with someone.

hearing things she didn't want to listen to
saying things she didn't mean
being someone she didn't want to be
laying there on the bed, staring at nothing
walking like a zombie
almost dead like and lifeless...

sitting amidst the confusion
and of her own darkness
discoloured by herself
unwanted, unloved and unreal
that's what she felt she was
empty and lonely.

hopeless and insensitive
frozen from within now
insecure and apprehensive
timid about herself
surreal and strange
everything was that for her.

astray in the midst of her dark fantasy
filled with the shades of black and black alone
unhappiness and wretchedness,
misery and despair, sorrow and desolation
blanketed her, like the leaves;
blanketed the ground after spring.

used and thrown away:
resembling a tissue paper
one year of pure love
turned out to be a joke
he was hers, she thought but
taken that's what he was, all the while, ten years ago!

blinded by love
she grew worthless
and felt tormented
hidden in the depths of herself
a priceless whore
that's what he made her.

distress and anguish
tore her apart
pain and agony
shattered her inside
but she lived everyday,
again and again, feeling just the same.

The Almost Conned incident!

2008-04-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

it was the time just about half past after sunset. the heat was a bit low,the breeze had squigled its way through.Off i go to fethch my mother from her work place.after the day's activities and of course boredom! roaming the city in the traffic jams all over from my house to the destination. the ride as well as the traffic was pretty smooth flowing until we hit the jubilee hills check post area where the traffic was at a halt of ten minutes i guess. simply talking the girly gossips, both mother and daughter decide that after almost a years of the production of swat bats that are used to swat mosquitoes and flies, it's high time we bought one for ourselves due to the increase of mosquitos.
Now, if whoever has already bought those swatters before, i think and i hope you would have bought it for about 40 or 50 bucks per racket. But the shock my mother and i had was when a vendor or salesman who we had stopped to buy this swatter from, announced that the bat was for 300 bucks and o did i mention, before we even asked, both mum and i dug into our respective handbags searching for 40-50 bucks. so this man, tries to sell this swatter , he himself doing our bargaining bit, by trying to reduce the price to 250 rupees. immediately we declined the offer and i rolled up my window and said thanks! BUT no, the men do not give up so easy do they???
noo noo they dont! reluctantly he again lowered the bid for it to 200/- and we still said no. he kept forcing us to buy it even with the windows shut he refused to give up and try elsewhere.

now only a stupid person would settle in for something of that sort. so anyway we left and headed to our favourite Maharaja Chaat Bundi!

ahhan!! the smell of sweet and sour Pani poori or like the english say "water balls"!! hah!!
the yummmy taste of spices blended with sweet and sour chutneys that are poured over the golden brown puri's, and on top of that the most soothing and cooling ingredient, the yougurt poured over it all and golden fried flour sticks or what we call sev, sprinkled on it; just alike adding a cherry on top of a cake!
oh the yummy street side savoury! god bless them for it!
mouth watering delicacies. my favourite! a plate of hot buttered buns with curry, that's the famous and most relished dish of mine!!

well sorry to break it up now, but after i was done, stomach full. we left back for home. at another traffic signal, we noticed that the same vendor came running to our car and offered a 100 bucks for the swatter! wah! men sure dont give up ater saying no! or should i say some men cannot take NO! for an answer! sheeesh! well it was funny because even after telling the guy that we still didn't want it, he didn't listen but insisted we take it! sorry man! ur loss of the day!!
well im not really sure why i wrote this but its just that sometimes, we encounter such incidents that we gota be really careful. Being aware of Conmen is one thing!And well that's that! that's the story of how we almost got conned into buying something really expensive whereas it's worth just a 1.5 litre bottle of sprite or coke and a packet of gems!

My New Best Friend by Amber Heisler

2008-04-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

My New Best Friend

Today I met a great new friend
Who knew me right away
I loved the fact she understood
All I had to say

She listened to my problems
She listened to my dreams
We talked about my life and things
She had been there too, it seems

I have never once felt judged by her
But she knew just how I felt
She seemed to just accept me
And all that I'd been dealt

She didn't need to interrupt
Or need to have her say
She listened very patiently
And didn't go away

I wanted her to understand
How much this meant to me
But as I went to hug her
Something startled me

I put my arms in front of me
And longed to draw her near
I truly saw my new best friend....
Was my reflection in the mirror.

(Retold By Kimberly Kirberger)

author/poets note: this poem means alot to me as it was the first ever poem i read out in book reading session when i was 10 or 11!

The Wilting

2008-04-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

She was standing tall

amongst a crowd, dressed in red,

she wore a bright wide smile smeared across her face

her cheeks highlighted with strokes of pink and red.

surrounded by green all over , she stood out

in different slots of red, pink and even white

for days she felt the love

she felt alive

she felt the rain on her face

making her love life

nothing seemed to have bothered her

not even the darkness of the day

anywhere she went

she'd light up a room

filled with huge smiles and delicate giggles

and the warmth of her love.

forever she wanted to be this way

but forever was too far away.

a day had come , one not prepared for

her worst nightmare had come alive

she lost all hope and began to loose her colour

she went from bright red to pale pink.

as time flew, she changed , her beauty had been gone

she lost the charm , the smile , everything.

slowly and delicately she crouched down

into her lap hiding herself,

her face under her palms

hiding her blackened face.

she looked down in despair

at the floor, she was staring wanting to be alive again

the day had come

she wasn't ready to give in so easy

but only a miracle could save her

she breathed her last breath.

she fell.

her unforgetable smile,faded and blackened.

Utopia found - Utopia lost

2008-04-01T03:56:00.000-07:00

walking on still waters
flying without wings aimlessly
living life that I've never dreamt of living
where there's no fear nor sorrow not a speck of darkness
no negativity but only positivity
happiness and glee fill the place.

a land where there's nothing but solace
peace,harmony and the natural surrounding
a land where there's no limitation for anything
not for freedom, nor free will.

wanting to live in a place I've always dreamt of
a place i long for,
hidden in the deepest corners of my imagination
and finally i find my Utopia.

living in my dreams, for too long
i get sucked out of my imagination
back to reality and my Utopia goes crashing down
and there's no sign of its existence any more.

now, it's a place filled with more sorrow than before
and lesser happiness.
it's a place filled with large specks of darkness
that over shadow the colours.

it's place where my biggest fears come alive
and my courage to face life reduces
it's a place, i see losing its originality
a place where I'm losing myself.

it's a place that i will always long for,
a place where i am myself the most
where no one can reach me
a place where i love being me.

Utopia, it's fading,
it's vanishing
within me, without me
It's crumbling,it's disappearing
into the dusty skies.

Utopia,Utopia
my Utopia lost within me,
somewehere unreachable,
somewhere i cannot go.
Utopia,Utopia lost!

Inspiration missing

2008-04-01T03:25:00.000-07:00

There's a lack of enthusiasm within me
i don't know why but;
but i cannot seem to enjoy myself,
even while doing what i love the most.

there's a lot of zeal missing within me
a certain something but I'm not sure what it is
but it sure is making me feel totally and completely incomplete,
and sometimes numb and devoid of having fun.

there's an empty spot for inspiration inside me
that's waiting to be filled,
may be with something or someone even;
but there seems no such miracle to happen as yet.

there's a certain stillness in the air
that's making me feel weary
like something is creeping upon me
and closing in on me.

there are so many questions running through my mind
about me, about my life
about everything i do and am doing
but sadly, everything's left unanswered.

i ask, in hope to get some kind of an answer,

where is the enthusiasm that keeps me alive?
where is the zeal, that makes me look forward for tomorrow?
where is the inspiration that makes me go out there and live my life with freewill?

where is the enthusiasm that was my daily dose of an adrenaline rush?
where is the zeal that made life sparkle and colourful?
where is the inspiration that made me love what i do or did?

where?
where is all that i challenged myself to live life all over again?
most of all, where is the courage that i lack so immensely that makes me move ahead in life?

walking

2008-02-23T01:43:00.000-08:00

I’m walking blindly as life takes me on this journey;
Which has neither a destination nor a stop.
Clueless of where this road leads me,
I go on walking.

Making life seem a little more interesting than it already is
The road takes me wherever it leads to.
Confused about which lane to choose when it comes to a fork in the road,
I go on walking.

Real Women Have Curves

2008-02-03T09:07:00.000-08:00

Real Women Have Curves
(written for college magazine)

It’s taken me a lot of guts to think of actually writing this article that you are about to read but then when i think about it, i don’t really care about what you think. I am almost twenty years old and for my age i am over-weight. Ever since i was in the seventh grade i have been trying to lose weight and till date i have not been successful at it. I have tried different diets which required a lot of determination. I have been at the gymnasium and tried to stick to a weight-loss regime but then again i have failed. Out of sheer boredom i have for the past two days been reading this book that i bought for myself almost a year ago, just as i finished my ISC exams. The book “the fat girls guide to life” by Wendy Shanker, is about herself and how she went through a series of diets and exercise classes or gym classes and weight treatments and the works to lose weight but at the end, instead of losing weight she had put on more weight than that she initially was.
i didn’t quite agree with some of the things that were written in the book but i do remember something i really liked. It was a quote actually more like a dialogue from the movie “Real Women Have Curves”, it goes something like this...”how dare anyone try to tell me what i should look like or what i should be, when there’s so much more to me than just my weight!” This is going to be my anthem from today onwards... i mean isn’t it so true? Ask me and i will surely agree with this!
Why do people over react to others being over-weight or obese! We fat people surely don’t say things like “oh my god! Look how skinny she is, she needs to put on a few pounds!”
why do people have to push us to lose weight, i know deep inside , we’re dying to come out from under the flab but hello it takes a lot of control and determination to decide that from today i will work out, i will go on that Atkins diet which unfortunately or fortunately doesn’t happen over-night. does it? Obviously whoever pushes us cares and loves us a lot but my question is if you say you love and care for us so much, why can’t you accept us for who we are and not want we look like? Today’s generation really doesn’t care about what they look like, i know i don’t because to an extent i believe in myself and i know how to carry myself off.
Somebody once told me that ‘the bigger the person you are, the bigger the heart you have’.
What i don’t understand is why being fat is such a problem. Why would anyone want to be judged because he or she is fat or thin? I wouldn’t but i know to an extent i am. Honestly like i said before, i have tried, okay so i haven’t pushed myself but i know that one day eventually i will push myself to work at losing weight. I know it will be difficult initially but it’s not impossible. Honestly i feel a little hypocritical right now, but that’s because i’m writing all this and I’ve not done an ounce about losing weight.( I mean today otherwise i have begun to cycle and do a little exercise whenever i have the time. )
Now that i have realized how diverted i got while writing, here’s what i actually want to say. I love the idea of being able to see a totally new “me” in the mirror every morning when i get up, but since im still trying to push myself to lose weight. I hate the idea that when i love making new friends i don’t have the right amount of confidence to go and start up a random conversation with them. I love the idea of my friends being there for me through, even more my family. But i hate the idea that sometimes , i am not at all confident about who i am which leads to my being a little low. I love the idea that nowadays people love themselves for who they are and not what they look like, i do too. But i hate the idea of how people look you up and down and give you this weird expression which has “ oh my god, how fat is she” written all over it!
I am not asking for attention, nor am i asking for an over-night makeover (which would be nice) but I’m asking the people out there who are reading this right now, when you see a fat girl pass by don’t think she’s some weird space alien but instead give her a smile, let her feel like she’s another normal human being. Those of you who have friends, who are fat, love them for who they are and not what they look like. It’s about time that you give us fat people a break from calling us names especially fatty or motu... because hey we already know what we are. Instead of calling us names why in the world can’t you just be a friend for who we are and not what we look like and this one’s for those girls who’re probably like me... it’s okay to be fat and be happy. It’s okay if that cute guy you like doesn’t acknowledge your presence because if he doesn’t notice you or talk to you then he’s not worth the trouble (especially if you’re trying to lose weight for him).
So the next time anyone sees a fat girl or anyone else fat, “weight” till you get to know them, then pass your judgement because you are not perfect nor is anyone in the world. To end this, here’s a little something to boost up the confidence levels of those who lack it, be confident and love yourself the way you are, don’t be ashamed of who you are or how you look because at the end of the day it all comes down to us. In my case, I’d like to say this just for the girls... no matter what shape or size you are, one thing to remember is that real women have curves.

The unfortunate and disastrous adventure of baking a cake!!

2007-11-23T09:45:00.000-08:00

It has been a few days, since 19th nov and i dont think i can ever forget the previous night!After a long day at college and hanging out with my friends, i came home and realized i hadnt bought any present for my daddy's 51st birthday!

Confused and clueless about what i wanted to do, i decided to bake a cake for daddy while he and mom were going out. I AM expert at baking cakes... and whoever ate them would say just one thing... "hmmm yummmy"!! In case you're wondering.. i'm talkin about baking the ready made cakes.. you know betty crocker and stuff...>??? so i went on to call my friend and ask his mom to help me with baking a cake from the scratch!

I got the recipe but i was clueless about whether or not i had all the required ingredients for baking this cake...out of all love and affection. i go down to the kitchen and search through all the cupboards looking for the ingredients one by one. i looked through the blue and red capped plastic containers which had different kinds of pulses, white, yellow, ocre etc coloured powder which in a language known i'd call them rawa, besan, flour etc etc. there were empty containers as well, and i knew somehow that one of those empty boxes had to be that of maida.

I was talking to my friend , correction... arguing with my friend who was trying to tell me how to find maida. of course being a home science student has definitely helped me to an extent that i know how to figure out what powder is what. But no the great ego of the opposite sex has to come in somewhere in a conversation. So the conversation went on and i finally figured i was out of Maida and i couldnt bake the cake, i just had to! so i picked up my phone and called for help... the help was my servant maid! a cartoon to beat all cartoon's that are dubbed in hindi on pogo or on cartoon network. Oh well she's another story all together but she was of great help because she told me where the maida was and saved me a lot of trouble looking for it. man!! what phones can do sometimes! it amazes me!!

well to cut a long story short... i baked the cake with loads of guff ups...for instance, i used NUTRILITE instead of WHITE BUTTER!! not to forget i melted the butter for 30 seconds instead of melting it by putting hot water. i used a lot more than 170 gms of butter... so you can think how badly i messed up with the ingriedents! but if u cant wait till i'm done with writing... anyways getting back to the topic, i used less baking powder and veryy little maida and eggs i used just enough... just enough to screw it up even more. ah wait! the eggs!! i broke one in the batter and there were shells in it as well...but thankfully with the help of a knife and fork.. i managed to get them all out! the batter when finally ready was a little to rubbery and after adding a little milk and vanilla essence, it got 10 times worse!! phew that's a story! te best part was, i had loads of fun trying to bake my first cake from the scratch! well the best part was also that dad actually liked the cake and he had said it was the closest the cake had got to eating a butter sandwich! yeah! dad was being really nice and he ate it!!so did mom and my two doggies.

so that's the story of my unfortunate and disastrous adventure of baking a cake!!

The Art of Sucking up

2007-10-17T03:27:00.000-07:00

THE ART OF SUCKING UP!

Inspired to write about this unusual habit that I have often observed in people, I decided it was time to write an article to bring to notice to everyone about this habit called SUCKING UP!
It’s a funny thing this “sucking up “ people do...it’s a form of art in its own way..Henceforth, the title THE ART OF SUCKING UP!

Yes, I said The Art of Sucking up. But before I move onto what i think about this art of sucking up is, here’s a so called definition of sucking up that i read somewhere...
” Sucking up is an unusual trait to attribute to a team player, but you will be surprised to learn that the best players actually resort to it every now and then.”
To put this definition in simple words, of course according to what I think... sucking up is a trait of sheer over-board of flattery with a motive behind it.

It’s funny how when sitting a midst of a group of friends, one notices how each of the friends is different from the other. One can actually notice who’s sucking up to whom but honestly, how many people are aware that their being sucked up to. What I do not understand is why people have to suck up to others. Do people suck up to others for getting things done? Do they suck up for being in someone’s good books??

I was browsing through a site and something interesting caught my attention, it was an article about how people should suck-up and had three basic principles one should adhere when it comes to sucking up. I couldn’t help but take note of it. The principles were:
Give praise only when you mean it.
Show it sparingly.
Do it in a manner that will not offend any onlookers.

I don’t understand why would anyone need principles to learn how to suck up to people?

I think when people suck up, they’re just simply faking who they really are. But why be someone else. Speaking of being someone else, I remember Kurt Cobain said, “being someone else is wasting who you are”. But just the opposite is happening, people tend to suck up so much that they end up forgetting themselves and with time, the real person within fades away. Think about it, how many people do you know, are trying to be like someone else or their sucking up to another person?
Maybe a few, say out of 10 friends, 4. Which means, that in a few years time out of those four genuine people, thanks to the influence of the others, we’ll have probably just one or if we’re lucky two people who are being themselves? My calculations maybe wrong but again this is seriously something we should think about. I know i haven’t much to do but when i thought about it... i realized that i do really know not one but say five or six people who fake everything about themselves and suck up to people just to get something done from them!

My question to the people reading this is, have we forgotten who we really are from within? Whatever happened to being ourselves? The real us? Has the real person from within us gone out of the picture because of various influences? Have we given up on the other ways of getting things that we need to suck up to people?

Who I think I am

2007-09-16T06:37:00.000-07:00

Pretty from within,
Smart in my own ways,
Friendly like no other,
not making any difference
that's who I think I am.

Cute like the ugly ogre
sweet and loving to no end
Underestimated by others
that's who I think I am.

Completely better off alone
that's who I think I am
a free bird,soaring high (in my own world)
that's who I think I am.

Carefree and living life my way
that's who I think I am.
I know who I am but there's doubt
about who I think I am.

Who I think I am ,
does that really matter?

The Darkness of Sorrow

2007-07-11T06:09:00.000-07:00

Filled with despair and misery

She sat looking blankly at the door

She pleaded for peace and beg for her space

But she got neither

A red blotch of paint trickled down her wrist

But felt no pain

She felt life deceived her;

By not giving her the happiness she wanted

Life never gave what she wanted but in return

Pain, dejection and depression is what she got

She felt helpless and hopeless cos

Life never gave her anything but sorrows

Life, she thought was unfair and full of vain

Her mind clouded by her empty thoughts,

Her walls closing in, on her

Nothing but sorrow, nothing but pain, she felt lonely

Scared of letting light in her life

She sits in the dark corner of her mind

Expressionless and thoughtless

She sat motionless all through

Ignorant and anguished,

Wretchedness and heartache is all she felt

Darkness over shadowed her life,

She felt nothing but pain,

She was cut off from the happiness and excitement in life

She lay thoughtless now,

Still and dead-like

Life for her was vengeful, sorrowful and grievous

All she ever wanted from life was happiness and to be loved

She was torn between her life but never did she speak about it;

Never did she share or speak about what she felt

And never did she ever speak bout what she went through- the darkness of sorrow.

les images d'ennui (pictures of boredom)

2007-07-11T06:02:00.000-07:00

picture taken at TARAMATI BARADARI , Hyderabad.

Crashing Down

2007-07-11T05:18:00.000-07:00

I decided to let go... I decided to break free...
I decided to open my eyes and smells the roses
But everything came crashing down...

I decided to make myself a stronger person and cry no more
I decided I'd give away all of me and bring out a new me
But everything came crashing down...

I decided to gather my thoughts and make more of life
I decided to gather myself and get myself back together
But something happened and it all came crashing down...

I decided to ride the wave and move on
I decided to move on as life came my way...
But everything came crashing down...

I decided to get out of this muddled days...
I decided to wipe away all my tears and get rid of them
But then I came crashing down

I decided not to shed anymore tears but give more love than receive
I decided I'd help myself up on my own and stand alone
But then something came over me and everything came crashing down...
(23-3-06)

Lost in Thought

2007-07-11T05:10:00.000-07:00

It was cold and scary out there...
But I didn’t see you standing near me to help me fight away my fears.
It was raining and I was shedding my tears and
I still didn’t see you there to wipe away my tears.

It was a moment of pain and hurt...
And I didn’t see you anywhere close to banish the hurt I was going through.
It was a moment of sadness and sorrow...
And I didn’t see you anywhere around to,
although I had everyone...I didn’t have you.

It was a time where I lost myself and wanted your help in finding myself
It was a time where I gave up on life and wanted help in getting back to myself...
But there was no sign of you.

It was the worst days of my life...
And I needed the comfort and the light...
Which I thought would be you
But no light came through from anywhere...
I gave up!

It was the time where I was being judged by myself about me
But I knew I'd be okay if I was holding your hand...
There was no hand nor anyone.

I sit lost in thought of where I went wrong
And think whether I'm expecting too much from you.
I sit so lost in thought about why I care whether you’re in my life or not...

I think to myself why I expect you to understand me... or do you?
Not a word said nor spoken...
I know you hear me and understand me
But when you don’t say anything...
Why does it hurt?
Why does it hurt when we don’t talk...
I know you hear me every time I talk
But why does that stop you from talking?
(22-3-06)

Me against the world

2007-07-11T05:01:00.000-07:00

It’s me against the world
That’s how I feel...
It’s me against my life
That's how things seem...
Its me against my wishes
That’s how I can see things!

It’s me against the world
Turning its back on me...
It’s me against my life
Life's taking the wrong path...
It’s me against my wishes
Their coming undone

It’s me against the world
One on one...
It’s me against the world
Just me alone
It’s me against the world

(7-4-06)

A series of feelings

2007-07-11T04:49:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in front of the only thing that has no say in my life
Or doesn't scream at me or say anything to me...
The computer...
Its an important thing in my life for a simple reason cos
I get to write a lot and abuse it...
I could sit and cry in front of the computer and it wont ever tell...
I could sit and write what my thoughts are and it wont snitch.

Life for everyone else around me is fully hectic
And it seems so weird that I feel neglected... and I can’t tell...
I can’t tell for the people I care for the most might just laugh it off...
My heart hurts from a heart break and I still can’t feel love around me...
I do but I don't at the same time...
There's a motion of stillness in the air and
Unspoken words don't get through to People anymore...

They ask to speak up if I feel neglected but what happens even then...
I'm left feeling even worse for nothings cleared up...
My minds filled with questions and unanswered doubts...
Doubts bout life... bout love... bout friendship... bout relationship with my family...
There's no one to hear me... no one to reply back to me...

Where is the love?
Where is the one person whom I can just pour my heart out?
Where is the light of my life... the apple of my eye??
Where are the happy times I deserve?
Where are the times everyone cared??
Why do I feel neglected...
A lot of people love me but unintentionally they hurt me...
When will I get the answers to my questions?

Everything's let alone...
I sit here at the computer writing this blog and crying my tears out...
How much more time will it take for me to get what I want...The love that I need??
Whatever happens happens for our own good is how the saying goes?
But what good is not being loved and being neglected...
Get me out of this feeling of loneliness...
Get me out of this horrid feeling of being neglected...all I ask for is ...
To be loved and to love...
(26-10-06)

The Mirror Image

2007-07-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

Staring back at herself, she looked blankly
Her eyes filled with unflowed tears
A meek smile smeared across her face
She looks at herself with shame and disgust
The complete opposite of what she looks like
Hidden beauty seen only through the mirror image
Indescribable beauty, the never ending smile on her face.
The gorgeous and astonishing face seenall hidden under her skin.
(19-11-06)